Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Body Issues

Sometimes I feel like I'm regressing. Body issues sound like an adolescent-onset kind of problem, who develops it at age 30??

I've swung through (very) brief periods of being super motivated, buying healthy groceries, exercising. And then rolled right back down into the valley of binge-eating and stuffing my body with all sorts of horrendous junk.

I'm into my longest period of trying to stay healthy right now. Not going very smoothly, lots of pitfalls, days of bingeing still happening. But I'm still hanging on, I guess that's what counts. M says it seems like I finally think it's worth caring for myself again. Is that it? Maybe?

Nowadays I look into the mirror and feel horrified at what's looking back. I don't know her! Who is this pudgy unhealthy-looking ball of haggardness. My face looks like someone stuffed little cotton balls into my cheeks and inflated them. I was looking back at some old photos, and I was thinking with surprise, wow I looked so much better and way more vibrant back then.

Been watching lots of fitness videos, I've always enjoyed them, but I guess now more so because I feel like I need their inspiration and motivation to do something about my body and my health. They all talk about a healthy relationship with food and addressing the underlying stuff that's contributing to the poor habits. Honestly, that's way harder. M and I unpacked the binge-eating episodes last week, and I can see what led to them. But the drive to eat to self-soothe is so so so strong. And when you're in a moment where you're so physically and emotionally exhausted (as in totally flat out), you're self-loathing, you're depressed, who has the strength to go, nope I won't do this, I will take the healthier option of resisting this lovely piece of chocolate and have a cup of boring tea.

I've always enjoyed blogging and writing. I hope this helps.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

快樂

你靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著 而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了 越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺的刀割 你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色 你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了 把你的靈魂 關在永遠 鎖上的軀殼 這世界 笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了 當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇 於是你 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞的走著

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Operation Self-Love

Such a glorious beginning. Even though deep inside I know it is probably temporary and I will likely be crushed again at some point. But that's okay right? Healing takes time, as long as I take the first step, that's really all that matters.

I have been a wreck. For about 10 months I was a pseudo-wreck. As in I was a wreck, without realising it. I have been pretty messed up since I cheated on my fiance and blew up my approaching wedding and a wonderful stable 6-year relationship. Lost 20k to the dishonest conniving M Hotel, lost the HDB L and I were getting. Then watched L get attached to someone else within 2 months. But it's alright then cos I had J. We were happy together and I was lost in that happiness of blossoming relationships. I knew I wasn't okay, I had terrible moments, but mostly I pushed it all aside. Because it was easy to bask in the sunlight of new romance, until you realise that's not real happiness. It's not genuine sunlight. It's probably at best some reflected beams from the corner of the window, just a small spot, but which I'm happily hiding in, drawing my limbs in to kind of squish myself into that tiny spot of fake sunlight. So I can continue to function in life.

Then when someone closed the window and the light starts to fade out, I begin to realise how truly vulnerable I am. How terribly wrecked. And I start to understand, you really cannot depend on others for happiness. Real joy comes from within. Very motherhood right, but you will only understand it wholly when you experience it yourself. As a counsellor, I always tell clients social support is immensely important in healing. But I forgot to tell them that being overly dependent on others is also not a good thing. Because people can leave. People have their own lives and their own issues. And a perverse little voice inside me is shouting "And you can't TRUST anyone".

I never really realised before, but now it seems clear. I feel terrible because I hate myself. I hate myself for the people I've hurt, L, my family, his family, J. And I will never obtain real peace if I don't learn to love myself again.

WHICH BRINGS US TO... the inception of Operation Self-Love *breaks open champagne* Actually I hate alcohol so *breaks open a bottle of coffee*. It may not last very long but it's worth a shot. I just want to be happy and at peace, without manufactured serotonin circulating in my blood.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Long hiatus.

Figured I should stop tweeting all my thoughts because can't really fit everything into 160 characters anyway. Sighs don't know if there's something wrong lately. It feels weird, either from me or from you, at different times.

Maybe this evening I was a bit short-fused but I was disappointed in the response I guess? And I'm just going crazy wondering why you haven't texted, like you usually do after a fight.

Such bad timing, because I have good news for you. But right now it doesn't seem like good news anymore.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The King's Birthday(:

Shit due to some dillydallying, only have ten minutes left. Anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! I am KING today!!

I would like to say that I'm very glad I was born 23 years ago to bring joy to the world and to the people around me and that I am indeed very awesome and lovely, even at this old age.

HAHA. Shall blog about my lovely birthday celebrations today at a later date cos the King is tired and I want to relish my last ten minutes of being royalty.
Wedding Dinner(:

Leo's cousin invited us to her wedding! I was so excited cos it's been a shit long time since I attended one (dear friends please get married and invite me I like weddings) and it's fun to dress up as though I'm going for prom.

The day didn't start well really, with me being sick and forgetting to bring my keys so my mom had to drive home to open the door for me HAHA. So I was in a very catty mood by the time I got to the hotel.

But the wedding was so gorgeous! It was at Grand Hyatt and the decor was amazing! The reception was impressive already, with the adorable muffins, cupcakes, candies, MERINGUE (bb pls note) and all.
























And because we were lazy, and were one of the first couple of people to enter the ballroom to sit down, Baby was hauled onstage for some pre-dinner games HAHA. And for his efforts, he was rewarded with an angpao containing...a TOTO ticket HAHAHHAA good job Leo's Cousin, I think it's hilarious.















Anyway the dinner started proper after. And the videos they screened were so touching! I don't really know the cousin very well, just met her a few times at the hospital. But when I saw their video I almost cried. And the moment the couple appeared to walk down the aisle I almost cried again when I saw the bride. She looked so HAPPY. As in like really radiant. But I decided it was a bit over the top if I cried at her wedding when even her parents were merely sitting there clapping aha.

Okay don't have photos of the couple dam, cos I was too busy fighting back tears and clapping and eating (yes one can be touched and hungry at the same time). Oh and the flower girls were DAM SUPER ULTRA adorable pls. Like extremely adorable. When I have kids, I want them to be just like these two darlings. I was trying to stalk them to get a photograph with them hehe. But they were like fruitflies, keep flitting around, running here running there. When I asked for permission from their mom, she was like "Sure, but you gotta catch them first". HAHA. Which was easy cos the mom simply summoned them in a commanding voice and they were mine to take photo with!(:

One of them was SOOOO funny. We were taking the photo and I was looking at the camera when I heard the mom exclaim exasperatedly "Ashley can u put down that orange" and I looked to my left and to my utter surprise there was an orange where her head should be HAHAHA. She stuck the orange on her cheek to take the photo apparently, I've no idea why so it was like right beside my face. Omg I nearly penged laughing. Cuteness to the max.
















So ended the lovely wedding(: Oh got a nice souvenir, they had photographers take photos of us and print it on cards on the spot to take home. I love the photo below (cos it has the lovely flower girls HA). Doesn't it look like Leo's and my wedding ahaha.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

BB is Free At Last!(:

Finally the busy stressed fat boy is free and we went out on a WEEKDAY this week! Hahaha, yes that's how bogged down with work he is. It's quite sad cos he always look so grey and haggard and looks like he'll keel over if you poke him. But now he's partially liberated! I say partially because there's still the dreaded fyp(s). And I think he's relieved too cos now I'm no longer complaining and whining about him not having enough time for me HAHA.

So anyway we went to town yesterday to see the Xmas lights but we spent like 90% of our time underground cos it was raining haha. But it was fun! Both of us got NEW HAIRCUTS!! I had a radical one. Radical cos I told myself I'll never cut short hair again ever cos I always look like shit. But I DID. Yes I chopped off my sleek black locks. Cos I was seduced by the hairdresser who claimed that short hair will look so much better on me. My department was in an uproar over my hair cos I did it over lunch so everyone kept asking me "Didn't you have long hair in the morning?!". And a few even came by to see cos they heard people talking about it HAHA, funny much.

Baby cut his short too, but for a different reason. RESERVIST. Sadness right. But though he claims he looks ugly, I think he secretly still believes he's very cute. My bf has no humility. He says his hall friends told him they think he's very awesome and after listening to them, he now realises indeed how awesome he is. Like seriously wth.





Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Trying to remember a time when you weren't busy and I wasn't busy(:


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT.

Is it ME? Am I fucking incompetent. I take life seriously, I always do what I think is best at a point in time, but things still screw up. And they don't screw up one by one, they screw up TOGETHER.

Am in the worst mood now. Had an allergy attack last night, so only slept 2h and was very giddy thanks to the medicine. Then my period and cramps got me halfway through my meeting, almost couldn't answer when my DD asked me a qn in front of Dir. And work is just fucked up, nothing new to add on this subject, believe I've ranted a lot about it before.

AD talked to me today, asked if I were okay cos I seem a lot less cheerful these days. Hurhur. Where should I start? Nothing makes me happy anymore. Everyone seems to blame me, even those I love and whom I thought will be more understanding. Heh oh well tis life.

Monday, November 14, 2011

HATES WORK

I used to be quite paranoid about what I write online or in my SMSes about work, for fear of being tracked down. What with this new fascination with social media all over the world, was rather wary about what might get detected if I put something up through fb, twitter or my blog.

BUT NOW I DON'T CARE.

I absolutely hate work. I hate the organisation. Yes it's very well organised, very efficient and brilliant. But its people are unfriendly and the work is A LOT and not fun. Perhaps it's just me, but I believe I've never hated a place so much before. Even though I suffered through A Levels, Hwa Chong was one of the BEST places I've ever been to. So it's not that I can't take hard work.

So much about being a Learning Organisation. When as leaders you're too busy to even finish listening to what your lowly staff officer is trying to tell you in a single sentence. And I've really had enough with the hostile looks everytime I walk by the other side of the office. Very lovely welcome for the newbie(:

Preparing to get fried by my boss tomorrow. And to embark on the next lap of busy-ness. Can't describe the dread that's weighing me down now. I've completely lost dedication to SPF, lost my admiration and attachment (did I have any to start with, it's been only 3 months) to the organisation. I don't have any motivation to put in the extra mile anymore, to come earlier to work to do more. I just want to do my share and go home. Give me the dam Org Health Survey, and I'll show you how low the scores can get. Tired much.


Thursday, October 06, 2011

Miserable much. Just watched Steppers' routine at SNCC 2011 randomly haha and suddenly miss being back with all these people I know and am so comfortable with.

Work is so miserable. True we have a lot of flexibility with regards to the timing, we can stroll in at 9plus if we want, take longer lunch breaks. But the reality of it is once the deadlines come streaming in, I'm working from 8 to 8, sometimes I stay till 9plus and I'm starting to lunch in office more just to catch up on work. And not forgetting that epic day when I worked at home till 1am and had to wake early to dash to office. And of course getting disappointing feedback about my work. I really don't know what to expect. Sometimes I submit a piece of work, after having poured in my blood and the feedback makes me feel like nothing. Sometimes I cobble something together hurriedly and am told it's good. Sometimes I wreck my head over something and am told I shouldn't be so bothered about such a small thing. Sometimes I think it's something small so I dash off something quick and get reprimanded for a shoddy job done. I feel absolutely stupid sometimes, makes me wonder about my own calibre. And when I left the briefing on Wed cos of the headache that nearly split open my head, I couldn't help feeling like my boss wasn't too happy about it.

But all these are whatever, I can deal with it I suppose. I think the worse is not being able to fit into the environment there. People seem hostile or intimidating. I don't feel welcomed at all, usually just treated with a wary/polite look. What's wrong with me? The only people I can get along fairly well with are the ns boys, support officers, my dir's PA and the cleaning auntie haha. Is it something about me that turns off the senior officers? It's so hard coming to office and doing work alone in the cubicle all day, and getting distant looks when I bump into the other officers in the pantry or whatever. A few are nice, they actually talk to me, but I feel so alien around the others. It gets so depressing. Luckily for the office communicator I suppose and my darling friends who text me and who come to meet me for lunch. If not for u guys I think I would have died alone in my office.

Such a contrast from the happy environment at PARB. Fiona says I haven't seen the quiet side yet but it's different. I felt immediately welcomed when I came in with the other RAs, even when working quietly alone on the scripts, I know I can go to their cubicles and talk to them if I wanted. Lunch with them was fun, even getting reprimanded was fun HAHA. At one point in time I was honestly considering applying there just so I can go back to that kind of working environment. But I know it's not right to take the easy way out la.

And ashamed to say I probably could have avoided the fever/crazy headache but I didn't care about my health this week anymore cos it was so tempting to take a mc. But well I'm determined not to be so eager to fall sick anymore, it's twisted. And not to give up la. At least stick it out for 1-2 years right. Who knows, things might pick up, as Jiadi's has.